seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?