I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
