Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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