You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
