Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
