Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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