he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
bring money and cleavage
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
