im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize