I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
