Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
