You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
