How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
