i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
