captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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