You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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