I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
