My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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