the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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