i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
