just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
