You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
