I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
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you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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