I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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