i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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