ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
