My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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