Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
