Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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