The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
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