New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
what day is it and did you see me today?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
