quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
