What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
