Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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