dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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