Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
