Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
