She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
