Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
