Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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