I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
