I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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