The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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