I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
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Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
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He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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