so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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