I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
