I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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