Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
