sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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