I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
