I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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