**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
