nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
