I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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