please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
