Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
