i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
